Being a Gangster isn't always just cocaine and hookers ...
Paul Greenberg sheds some light on the daily grind in "Not On Tony's List"
Paul Greenberg sheds some light on the daily grind in "Not On Tony's List"
Not On Tony's List by Paul Greenberg
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“So, this broad says to me, 'How are you at spatial relations?' And I says, 'you mean like, would my dick fit between your tits?' I thought she was going to wet her panties. Yeah, I gotta go. Yeah, right bye.”
Tony Keyes clicked off his cell phone, stuffed it in the
pocket of his Neiman Marcus suit, took out his Moleskine notebook, glanced at
his notes and hopped into to his yellow Hummer. First stop, Uva's Bar. Pete
Fargo would be there and he owed four thousand for the month.
Tony Keyes was a collector. Every town had one because every
town had a bookie and every bookie had clients that didn't pay. Tony pulled the
Hummer into a handicap spot by the front door.
It was 10:00 a.m. and inside, Pete Fargo was having a
Bloody Mary, and chatting up Bill Hannity, the bartender.
“Every time I watch The Walking Dead, all I can think about
is toilet paper...” Bill heard the rumble of the Hummer and suggested with a
flick of his head that Pete take the back door out.
Tony Keyes was an imposing presence. A former
professional wrestler, his signature move was called the “Keyes to Your Heart.”
A rip off of Stan “The Man” Stasiak's “Heart Punch.” Though Stan was never
asked to find a new career, after punching an opponent into cardiac arrest.
“Where is he?”
“No one’s here Tony.” Bill said, picking up the half empty
glass and wiping down the bar. Tony closed and locked the door behind him.
“Listen Tony...”
“You listen. Pete owes four grand. If you’re going to lie
for him, maybe you’re going to pay for him too. Huh?”
“No Tony...”
Tony Keyes pulled a pair of pliers from his inside coat
pocket and grabbed Bill Hannity by the neck, smashing his face downward onto
the mahogany bar.
“Open your fucking mouth.”
None of Bill's kicking and squirming could stop Tony Keyes
from pulling out one tooth for every thousand dollars that Bill Hannity’s
friend Pete Fargo owed.
When the extractions were complete Tony suggested to Bill
that he give the teeth to Pete as a reminder of how much he owed. Bill Hannity
was spitting blood on the bar as Tony took out his Moleskine and checked off
the first item on his list.
Tony hopped into his Hummer and popped on his Pandora
station of ’70’s Blaxploitation music. Isaac Hayes, Curtis Mayfield, James
Brown were the soundtrack for the day. Tony loved his job. He could drive and
enjoy the weather, listen to music and eat, which was on his agenda at his next
stop, Mario’s Pizzeria. Mario’s son Junior, owed seven grand after picking
Stephan Bonnar to beat Anderson Silva.
“Hey, Pisano,” said Tony to the kid at the counter, as he
walked into the back room where Junior was sorting money into piles.
“I got $3,500 for you, Tony. I’ll have the rest next week.”
Tony picked the money up off the desk pivoted, turned and
headed out to the restaurant, where he grabbed a slice of pizza from a pan that
had just come out of the oven. Returning to the back room he slapped the hot
pie on to Junior’s face.
Tony left Junior screaming and picking the scorching pieces
of pepperoni, sausage and cheese from his face, while he boxed up the rest of
the pizza and took it with him to the Hummer. There, he took out his notebook
and checked off two items; Junior and Lunch.
Tony drove down to the beach and enjoyed the rest of the
pizza. If he finished up early enough he would head to the gym and then take
his niece to the movies. A police cruiser drove by and gave Tony a “hello” toot
of the horn. He didn’t have to worry about the police. Most of them gambled and
most were good customers. If they were late, they took it up with the boss.
His next few stops were uneventful in that, his clients had
their money ready. Eddie at the barber shop was an old timer who made a few $50
bets every Sunday during football season. He owed $250. There were some kids at
the hardware store that pooled their money and lost $350 this week. Even the
girls at Elsie’s Hair Salon got some action. They lost $100. All in all it
wasn’t a bad day. Tony collected $4,250 and sent two messages.
The last things on Tony’s list were to report in and drop
off his collections. So was his habit, he took a $1,000 off the top and tucked
it in an envelope under his Ruger Redhawk .45, in the glove box. He adjusted
his notebook to show that Junior had only paid $2,500. He took the rest of the
money and put it in a separate envelope and put that in his coat pocket.
He pulled into the police station parking lot and walked
directly to Lt. Hanley’s office. Hanley was on the phone and had three
Blackberries on his desk that were beeping in bets for the Thursday night game
and the MLB Playoffs. Tony dropped the envelope of cash on the LT’s desk.
Hanley put the envelope in a drawer and motioned for Tony to wait a minute.
When he finished his call he suggested that they take it outside to the Hummer.
Tony was running down the day’s events and how Pete Fargo
had given him the slip when Hanley popped open the glove box, took Tony’s .45
out, placed it under Tony’s chin and pulled the trigger. Without much emotion
he placed the gun in Tony’s hand and took the envelope containing over ten
grand from the glove box and exited the vehicle.
As other cops came running out of the building, Hanley
called to Sgt. Stein and said, “We’ve got a suicide here Sarge. Clean and impound
that vehicle ASAP. My phone is ringing off the hook."
