“Everybody fucks weird.” Cracked.com
Today Mick Rose makes his Guttorial debut with a new definition for the term “shit-kicker”...
Today Mick Rose makes his Guttorial debut with a new definition for the term “shit-kicker”...
Foot Fetish by Mick Rose
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Eli likes
to brag that he killed a man who got fresh with his wife.
“Didn’t
do no time either,” he'll say. “’less you count living with that bitch.”
He points
with his thumb to Lori, who doesn’t pay Eli much attention anymore.
She will,
however, verify the story, saying that Fat Billy Shaw was drunk on his ass late
one Friday night and, as she and Peggy McElveen staggered across the parking
lot of Sammy’s Pub, offered to drink beer out of Lori’s shoe.
“I said
okay just to see if the goddamned pervert would do it.” She snorts a laugh and
shakes her head. “I started to slide my ol’ stank-foot shoe off, pour some beer
in it, and dare that fat sonofabitch to drink it. But before I could make a
move he was down on his knees right there in Sammy’s parking lot.”
She takes
a toke from her Marlboro, exhales, coughs up a loogie, and spits it off the
porch.
“Then he
just knelt there like a moron, staring at my feet like he didn’t know what was
next. I leaned my fat tail against that piece of shit he used to drive and lifted
my right foot a little. “Go on,” I told him. “Take my shoe off, Billy.
“Billy
takes holt o’ my foot like it’s the most precious goddamned thing he’s ever touched
in his life, slides my ol’ shoe off, and lays it on the ground. He’d forgot
about drinking beer out of it. Instead he puts his big, ugly nose right on my
bare, stink-ass toes and takes two or three long, deep whiffs. ‘Like heaven,’
he tells me. And that’s when I told him to kiss it. Just like that. I said, ‘Kiss
it, Billy. Kiss my goddamned foot.’
“It’s
amazing how it feels to tell a man, even Fat Billy, something like that and
have him down on his knees doing it. I didn’t really think he would, but the
sonofabitch starts kissing my toes, real gentle, with his lips closed. Then he
looks up at me, pitiful, like I’m going to suddenly deny him the pleasure of
further humiliating his big, stupid self. And I say, ‘Go on, now, Billy. You
know what to do. Clean it up.’ So Billy lays down on his belly right there in
the gravel and mud and starts lickin’ my foot like it was a Popsicle. I tell
him, ‘That’s right, asshole, lick it good. Suck those toes. Get that toe jam
out of there.’ Shit like that. An’ Bill is going to town, snortin’ and suckin’
like a pig in slop. Then he starts humping the ground, and Peggy Lynn is just
a-laughin’.
“They’s other
people stopped to see what’s goin’ on—Joe Henry, Lindell, Sue Brazell, an’ a
couple others, and I decide to put on a little show. I say, ‘Roll over on your
back, Billy boy, and take it out. I want see you jerk off while you suck my
foot.’ That fat bastard rolls over just like I tell him and pulls his thing out.
He has trouble with it bein’ hard and all, but finally gets it out. It wasn’t
big as you'd think what with him bein’ such a tall motherfucker. I tell him to
spit in his hand and jerk off, and then I hold my foot over his mouth and let
him lick the sole, and that boy was goin’ at it.
“And
that,” Lori says, “is when Eli came upon them and slammed his big, booted foot
into Bill’s ribs.
“That
big, dumb shit never had a chance. He just rolled over to one side and lay
there with his thing hangin’ out while Eli put the boot to him. We’re talkin’ those
big, steel toed motherfuckers Eli wore when he worked over to the weldin’ shop,
and Eli was puttin’ some force to it, kickin’ that dumb fuck like he actually
gave a shit who sucked my toes. Smashed his big, ugly nose. Kicked his yellow
teeth in. Kicked his belly so hard the boy was pukin’ brown. Kicked him for ten
minutes and I tol’ him to quit it, that he was gonna kill the man, but you know
how that bastard is when he gets goin’ on somebody. Eli jus’ said to shut the
fuck up, and then tells me and Peg to grab his Bill’s feet and pull his legs
apart, and we knew what was coming. And poor ol’ Billy tried to shake us loose,
but he was more feeble than usual by then, and I swear if Eli didn’t kick that
man’s balls up into his big, stupid head. I saw Bill’s eyes roll up ’til the
whites was showin’. Then he starts prayin’, askin’ the Lord to save his sorry
ass. But after three of four hard-as-hell kicks between his legs you didn’t
hear nothin’ else. That fucker wasn’t even flinchin’. But Eli wasn’t finished,
and he goes to the truck to grab an ol’ piece of 2x4 he’s got back there and
starts beatin’ the son of a bitch, tellin’ him he’ll teach him to fuck with a
man’s wife.
“We
weren’t sure if Fat Billy was alive or dead when we loaded him in his truck.
Next day it come out in the paper he was dead.
“Anybody
who lives around here knows about when they found. Billy Shaw dead and a
‘likely victim of foul play.’ Likely, my ass. But I always thought Bill’s body
had been discovered in a ditch. I said as much, and Eli said that Bill must
have managed to climb out of his truck and crawl toward the highway.
“’Cep’ he
fell in the goddamned ditch and drowned.”
It was
that fact that Billy was able to climb out of his truck and crawl toward the
highway that saved Eli from a murder charge. That and the other fact that while
folks said they had seen Bill sleeping it off in his truck early that morning
after last call nobody was willing to testify that they had seen Eli working
him over.
So why,
if Eli had beat a man to death, would he confess it so free and easy?
“So
you’ll know that what’s mine is mine, and that I’ll kill any son of a bitch who
touches it.”
I have to
admit I felt a little edgy after that. I mean, Eli ain’t that big, and the
years of abuse have taken their toll, but I knew he was mean even before this
tale was told, and that he doesn’t care about much in the way of the law.
“I am,”
he told me once, “my own goddamned law.”
Another
thing I’ll tell you is that, between you and me, I’ve had a time or two with
Lori, who doesn’t think twice about laying it on you if she’s in the mood and
Eli ain’t around. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have anything to do with
either of them if it weren’t for the merchandise that brings me here.
So I go ahead and make my deal and get the fuck out of there.
And hope that sonofabitch never finds out I fucked his girl.
So I go ahead and make my deal and get the fuck out of there.
And hope that sonofabitch never finds out I fucked his girl.
