There's nothing quite like a girl's night out.
But here in the Gutter, the hangovers are deadly.
But here in the Gutter, the hangovers are deadly.
The Pub Crawl by Nancy Cole Silverman
 |
 |
I didn’t think it was
strange. I mean, Gail called to tell me Bethany was going to come with
us. I’m not wild about her. She’s not really one of us. But Gail said
she’d just broken up with her boyfriend and, well ... what are you going do?
Once a month, on a
Saturday, we get together. Usually,
it’s just the three of us, Gail, Karen and me. We do a pub crawl down the
boulevard. That’s me in the picture, in the center. My name’s Allison. This is
a selfie, taken outside the Key Club, right before – Oh, don’t worry, I’ll get
to that later.
You see, the three of us,
we’ve been friends since college. I suppose you could say we’re close. I
mean, close as women in LA can be
anyway. We’ve seen each other through all our firsts; loves, jobs, baby,
divorce – and, now…I guess murder.
It all began innocently
enough. All we wanted to do was have a little fun, check out some of the
clubs on the strip, flirt a little and let our hair down. We weren’t
really looking to hook-up.
Only thing is – the three of us - we didn’t exactly
fit in –were not what you’d call the clubbing type - but then, if you’re female
and past thirty in LA, who is? And the bouncer at the Sky Bar, I’ll call
him Jake, he was a real asshole. He wasn’t going to let us in. Told Gail, she was too fat, Karen she was too old and
Bethany was….well, she was a maybe, but since she was with us, a bunch
of basic-bitches, we could all just forget it.
Do you even know who I
am? I can
still hear her, jiggling her head side to side as she poked a finger into
Jake’s chest. That’s how Bethany is, loud and insistent. She was
dressed in a sexy little black number that was cut as deeply to her navel as it
was short above her knees, and she was wearing a pair of those hot red-bottomed
Louboutins.
And then, I guess 'cuz
she was with us, Jake grabbed her finger and pointed back at us. Look,
I know who you were - and what you’re looking for inside, Ladies – isn’t
looking for you. Not here. Why don’t you just head on over to the
marina, try Jerry’s Deli.
That hurt, everybody
knows that on a Saturday night the crowd
at Jerry’s is at least sixty-five and
using a walker. I thought Jake’s response to Bethany was cold. Truth be told,
Bethany’s a late eighties-tweener – way too young to be a boomer and too old to
be a Xer. In the nineties, she did a
bunch of low budget TV shows and a few movies here and there.
Unfortunately, she hasn’t aged well. At least not by LA standards. But on
a good night, she had facial recognition. She was somebody people would point
to and think they knew, and, the fact was, we were using her to get into the
clubs, but nobody deserves that.
And that’s when Bethany
suggested we get even.
Funny thing is we were
actually at Jerry’s when we got the idea. It was close to two a.m. and
there’s this big screen TV on and we’re all watching a bunch of fraternity guys
are tossing this dwarf around. It’s called dwarf tossing. Ever heard of
it? Crazy idea, but then Bethany suggested something even weirder.
Let’s go back to the Sky
Bar and teach Jakey-boy a lesson.
I think it’s because we
were all drunk – that is everybody but Bethany cuz she was our designated
driver – that the idea seemed innocent enough. Next thing I knew we were
back in the car. Bethany has this high-end black
Lexus, an SUV that’s tricked out with leather seats, tinted windows, and one of
those navigation devices that actually talks to you.
So we go back to the Sky
Bar and there’s Jake, just getting ready to leave. We followed him around
out back. He didn’t see us cuz we were in
the car and he was probably drunk as we were, or, at least, the three of us
girls, cuz Bethany was driving, and like I said, she wasn’t drinking.
But then she started to follow him, real close. And she bumps him, with
the fender. It was just a little a first, but enough to startle him. So then
she hangs back and he starts walking. Ignoring us. I think he thought
we’d go away. After a few a minutes, driving real slow behind him she speeds up
and passed him, and nearly knocked him over. Then yelled out the window. Asshole.
I thought it was
over. We all started laughing and high-fiving
each other. But then she turned the car around and went back.
This
time, she
hit him. Head on. He fell onto the front of the car and then off onto the
ground. I thought that was it. That maybe she was done. I didn’t think he was
hurt that bad, but then she backed-up and
ran right over him. Crunch! I could hear his body roll beneath the
car.
Oh, my god! What did you do? Why did you
do that?
We all started yelling at her, but Bethany, she just pulls forward and tells us
all to get out and put him in the back of the car.
I don’t know why we did
it. Maybe ‘cuz we thought it was an accident and we were going to take
him to the hospital.
But somehow we managed to
get him in the back seat and then he came to. He took a look at us and
started mumbling something about us being his basic-bitches
and Bethany yelled back at him.
Oh yeah, well, not for
long.
I had no
idea what it was she was going to do so I put my hand on her arm, ‘cuz I was
riding shotgun, and, I thought we ought to at least stop and discuss it.
What are you going to do? I asked.
But Bethany, she didn’t
even stop. She told Gail and Karen to bind his hands with his tie, and
then she floored it. Said she had a place we could take him.
Don’t worry, Jakey-boy,
you’ll be just fine.
I’m not sure who
asked, maybe it was Jake, maybe one of the girls, but somebody asked where we
were going. It’s kind of all a blur. Bethany says the first time always
is.
Next thing I know we’re
headed up the Fourteen Freeway, past Santa Clarita to the high desert. Then
Bethany stops the car and tells Gail and Karen to push him out.
What? You can’t do that! Jake’s going all
kinds of crazy in the back seat, but his hands are tied and he’s drunk and
maybe cuz he’s concussed, he’s not really much of a problem. So we get
him out the car and left him standing there by the side of the road, yelling
about how we couldn’t do this.
Then
Bethany starts yelling back, Oh yeah, well, we know who you are Jakey-boy,
and what you’re looking for…well, I’m sorry, but what’s inside this car isn’t
looking for you.
We all laughed. I
guess cuz we were nervous and then Bethany put her foot on the gas and we speed
away. I remember looking back out the window. It was black, the
road kind of glossy and slick looking and the sky dark, and Jake was like this
grey figure standing with his hands tied in front of him, his hair in his eyes.
He looked a mess.
Except then the next day
I started to hear on the news about how somebody was driving up along the
Interstate when they see this thing lying next to the road and they stop and
find a body.
It was Jake. He was
dead.
So, you see that’s how we
got started. Our monthly pub crawls became opportunities to equal out the
playing field. Find those mean-spirited men who didn’t appreciate a real
woman. We decided it was our responsibility, to do what we could to thin
the ranks of Neanderthals, like you. So,’case
your wonderin’ that’s why you’re here.
Let’s see, what was it
you called us? Oh, yes, botoxed-bitches
with Champagne taste and stretch marks. Not quite what you’d call
politically correct, is it?
But don’t worry. We won’t
leave you by the roadside. We know what we’re doing now. Kinda like
the dwarf tossing. It gets better each time. I think you’re the
tenth, or maybe the eleventh. You’ll have to excuse me now. I need
to join the others. We’ve got a hole to dig.
