On election day, when people tell you to vote your conscience,
Do you ever wonder what goes on in the minds of those who don't have one?
Do you ever wonder what goes on in the minds of those who don't have one?
In The Bunker by Hilary Davidson
 |
 |
Why
did I ever want to be president? Looking back on it, I’ll be honest: it was for
the pussy.
You
get these guys, real egghead types, who want to pin it down to me being
insulted by a speech Obama gave, like I care what people say about me. Like
some uppity Kenyan in mom jeans can get under my skin. My only regret is that I didn’t take him out when I had
the chance. Not because he was part of the coup against me — that was all
Republican establishment — but because… well, do I need a reason? After
everything he did to me, okay? Anyway, he snuck his whole family outta the
country, got them all the way to Hawaii, before the bombs started falling.
Smart enough when it came to saving his own skin, I’ll give him that.
But
what I was saying before, about becoming President. I planned to do that my
whole life. That was like Plan B after I built my ten-billion-dollar empire.
Those suckers who go into public service young, they earn nothing. Crooked
Hillary Clinton’s speeches for Wall Street? Chump change. Please! They don’t
know real money. I do, and there’s nobody like me. That’s why I put my name on
all my buildings. You know what the worst day of my life was? When they blew up
Trump Tower on Fifth Avenue. I mean, there are other things I miss about New
York — Wollman Rink and Tiffany’s and that restaurant with those fancy donuts,
those little ones with the jam inside, only it was better than jam. Anyway,
when the Mexicans wiped New York off the map, it was goodbye Trump Tower, and
that was an awfully hard day for me. You work all your life for greatness, and
somebody robs you of your crown jewel in a heartbeat. And not just anybody, but
a backstabbing loser I elevated out of the trash heap. Backstabbing Mike Pence.
I
should’ve seen it coming. He was a sickly little weasel. First time I laid eyes
on him, I told Melania he was the crypt-keeper. She didn’t get it, but Ivanka
did, of course. That reminds me, when I talk to Vladimir tomorrow, I need to
tell him to get Melania to watch that show with the crypt keeper, the one who
looks like Backstabbing Mike Pence. Maybe it doesn’t matter now, since he’s
dead, but it always bugs me when Melania doesn’t get my jokes.
Of
course that weasel wanted to be president! I should’ve smelled it a mile off,
especially since all those stuffed-shirt GOP types thought he was God’s gift to
the party. Like that shifty weasel was going to keep me in line! There was
never anything good in those squinty eyes of his. But I took him for a pansy
who could take orders. Honestly, I never thought he’d have the balls to try to
take me down.
Hey
did you hear that? I think the bombs are close, real close. But don’t worry,
this is the best bunker in the country. The safest. Not that any of the
generals told me about it. Of course, they were all in league with shifty
squinty Backstabbing Mike Pence. Well, I took care of them. Chop, chop. And
before you say anything about that guillotine being made in China, I got it as
a gift, okay? Vladimir sent it over just before my inauguration. He wrote me a
funny note with it, too. “For when things go bad.” Who could’ve imagined
everything that happened going down so fast? But it was proof this country
needs a strong leader. When those loser generals supported Backstabbing Mike
Pence, they lost their heads. Ha, ha, do you get it? Because of the guillotine,
I mean. I think even Melania might get that. Chop, chop!
Anyway,
this will all be over soon. Backstabbing Mike Pence is taking a dirt nap and
all his dirty Mexican hombres are going to hell with him. I swear, I should’ve
built the wall my first day in office. But I was busy posing for my first
Presidential portraits, a whole series of them, so I wouldn’t have to keep looking
at all those dead guys in white powdered wigs. Who could’ve guessed I’d have
such a crazy first week in office? I almost had a heart attack when Ivanka and
Melania and my boys just vanished one day. Then, suddenly, there’s a note
telling me to resign or else they die. Let me tell you, there is nobody,
nobody, who loves his family like I do. I barely knew which way to turn
because, well, the only people I trust are family. Not that you can ever
completely trust anyone, but blood is as close as you get. Look how quickly
everyone else turned on me! So when Vladimir found them in Mexico and brought
them to an undisclosed location, I was grateful. At least, I think he found all
of them. Not one-hundred-percent sure about Tiffany, now that I think about it.
Anyway, it meant I was finally free to take care of business, like dealing with
Backstabbing Mike Pence. Vladimir’s people had proof he and his GOP cronies
were behind it all. I tell you, there are no interrogators like those KGB guys.
Trust me. So I took action and I took all of them out, like, literally, in a
day. It was the guillotine for Backstabbing Mike Pence and some of the
generals, guns and bombs for the rest.
Then,
next thing I know, Mexico’s invading. Who even knew Mexico had nukes? I don’t
remember hearing that in the security
briefing. They were so sneaky, too. I got a call from Sarah Palin, I call her Cuckoo
Bird Sarah, by the way. Anyway, she said, “You know how I can see Russia from
my house? I think they’re invading!” And so I called Vladimir, and he told me
what was up. These dirty, sneaky Mexicans dressed up in Russian military
uniforms, and they’re invading! I
mean, I had them pissing their pants during the election. Did I think they’d
have the balls to invade in my third week in office? No, but by then the
generals were all dead or in hiding, so it’s not like I was getting good
military advice, okay? Except from Vladimir, obviously. Man’s like a brother to
me. You know, he told me I have the keenest military mind since General Patton and General MacArthur. He sent some
advisors over, including some ladies who, I swear, if there was a Pussy
Olympics, they’d all be gold medalists. Anyway, they got me to this great
bunker, and now I’m just waiting for our Russian allies to deal with the dirty,
sneaky Mexicans.
I
really made history in my first month in office, didn’t I? Told you I would.
And it’s all gonna work out. Every morning I get a call from Vladimir, and
sometimes he puts Ivanka on the phone. “Just do exactly what Mr. Putin says,
Daddy,” she tells me. “It will all work out.” You know what? My little girl
wouldn’t steer me wrong. When this war is over, there’s going to be a building
blitz like you’ve never seen. Trump Towers everywhere. Entire Trump cities.
They’ll rename the country after me. Forget making America great again. I’m
gonna make Trumpistan the greatest country in the world.
