Guys don't fall into The Gutter by making mundane purchases.
But even a man at his depths may resort to buying a phone.
But even a man at his depths may resort to buying a phone.
8 Big Time Bummers About Buying A New Phone by Carl Robinette
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8. That’s How They
Get You
You know
how phones are stupid anyway? And the only reason you’d even get a new one is
if you had to?
Basically
the phone you’ve had for about ten years is still kind of working but the
charger isn’t, and apparently they don’t make those chargers anymore, so you
pretty much have to get a whole new phone.
Well, that’s
how they get you.
7. They Don’t Know
Anything About Destiny
While
you’re waiting your turn in the phone store you’ll probably be feeling pretty
ok for the first time that day because you’re looking at the assistant manager who’s
the most beautiful maiden of all times.
And she’ll
be waiting like destiny to help you, only sometimes, destiny is a big-time jerk
and the next thing you know you’ll be standing across from some district
manager twerp who has a look on his face like clenched butt cheeks.
6. District
Managers Are Dicks All Over
You know
when you’ve already done extensive research and you picked out the cheapest
phone they have, but the corporate scumbag keeps trying to upsell you?
The
thing is, you have to be like, “Hey, Amigo. Do I look like I have beaucoup
bucks to spend on a phone? Unless insurance covers wear-and-tear, I literally
only have enough for this fifty-dollar one with the forty-nine ninety-nine
rebate.”
But he’ll
keep telling you about “eight-point-oh something”, and “pixels,” and how the
new one’s camera is “something-something.” He’s not even in sales, but he’ll
keep looking at the assistant manager as if he is teaching her how to do her
own job.
So you
look into his face and go, “Please shut up and just sell me the phone I want.”
And he’s
all, “I beg your pardon.”
The
beautiful assistant manager laughs kind of.
And you’ll
be like, “Go beg your mom’s pardon, Ding-Dong.”
He goes,
“Um?”
And the
assistant manager laughs again.
Corporate
moron dick looks at her like, “What are you laughing at?”
You’re all,
“I think she’s laughing because I told you to shut up in front of a store full
of people.”
And then
a bunch of people laugh and the guy’s butt-cheek face gets way red.
5. Something
Kinesiologists Would Call Fist Fighting
Some
people like your probation officer might tell you that just because you didn’t
throw the first punch, it doesn’t mean you didn’t start the fist fight, but POs
are probably just dumb.
Because
that’s exactly what it means.
If you
encounter this, stick to your guns and go, “I didn’t provoke anyone, no matter
what provoke means. All I did was keep calling him a moron in front of everyone
and calling him a crybaby idiot until he took a swing at me. It’s not my fault
he missed and I smashed a demo tablet over his head. These things happen.
4. Women… Am I
Right, Fellas?
After
you end the district guy’s malevolent reign of terror, you’re feeling about a
bazillion levels of coolness more than you did when you walked into the store.
So you walk straight up to the beautiful assistant manager and go, “‘Sup
mama?”
She’ll
probably be so blown away by your courageous virtue and the devil-may-care way
you forgot to brush your teeth that day, she won’t know what to say.
And in
your head you’re like, Uh-oh. I’m in trouble. Because she’s more-or-less falling
in love with you right there.
When she
finally finds the words to express her majestic feelings she’ll be like, “Stay
back, creep. I’m warning you.”
Women.
3. They Have
Liberal Policies Toward Pepper Spray
When the
assistant manager tells you not to come any closer, you’re pretty sure she’s
serious, so you just take one reassuring step closer to her and say, “It’s ok.
He can’t hurt us anymore baby-boo.”
Out of
nowhere it’ll get impossible to breathe or see anymore, and your whole entire
face and chest start burning, and you’ll probably think, So this is what love
feels like.
This is
an easy mistake to make, but you will quickly discover that the assistant
manager kind of pepper-sprayed you hardcore. Everyone in the store will start
coughing and hacking because the almighty air conditioner just keeps
circulating it around and around and around the cramped space.
2. They Ultimately
Betray Your Trust
After
they have to evacuate the store, people will be sneezing and choking in the parking
lot, and even one old man might pass out like a wimp. Water bottles will
probably get handed out and everyone will dump it straight at their own faces.
Except the assistant manager. She’ll seem fine, but she whips out her
phone and goes, “I’m calling my boyfriend.”
Boyfriend?
Calling?
The
betrayal will burn like a thousand pepper sprays to your heart and you're
pretty sure everyone there’s like, No way. How could she do this to him?
Also,
since your face is still burning and nobody has given you water, you’ll have to
run across the lot to the dollar store and drink a whole gallon of orange punch.
1. The GOOD One
Always Gets Away
You'll
be extra bummed because from across the lot you can see that nobody is at the phone
store anymore, except the police, and you’re literally positive that you still
had a shot with the assistant manager. It would’ve just taken a bit more of
your classic wit and charm, but the good ones always get away.
Whatever.
It’s
just as well because she’s already proven that her fiery love often ends with bodily
harm, and you have to admit that you’re not quite ready for that kind of
Hollywood, pepper-spray lifestyle.
Bright side?
You won’t have to buy a new phone after all because there’s usually a charger
at the dollar store that’ll fit your old one. And who cares if that charger
only works for five-minute intervals before it gets so hot it becomes a fire
hazard? At least you’re all set phone-wise.
