There are a lot of unpredictable things in The Gutter.
Guilt is the worst.
Guilt is the worst.
The Victim by Kevin Garvey
After
you’ve been robbed a few times, you kind of get used to it. Your hands don’t
shake as much, you don’t sweat as profusely, and, afterwards, you don’t thank God
as reverently for seeing you through the ordeal. But you’re still not happy
about it, that’s for damn sure. In fact, you’re pissed. Beyond pissed. And you
vow never to let yourself be a victim again.
At
least, that’s the way it happened with me. I suppose I should have seen it
coming. I’d opened a liquor store, after all. A prime target for robbers. But
like a lot of folks, I thought robberies only happened to other people. The guy
up the block, the guy across town. I never imagined I could become a victim.
Then
I did become a victim. Not once, not twice, but three times. I’d had enough. I
was fed up. Fed up enough to buy a handgun. Fed up enough to keep it loaded
under the counter.
Funny
thing about guns: once you own one, you almost feel destined to use it. Every
day when I’d get to work I’d see that big, ugly.357 revolver under the counter
and start fantasizing about blowing away some thieving lowlife. I was ready to
do it. I wanted to do it.
The
days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, and nobody came to rob me. It
was as though the criminals had some sort of sixth sense. Like they knew to
stay clear of the store. In a way, I was happy about that. But in another way, I
felt frustrated. I’d been victimized multiple times, and I longed to turn the
tables.
Finally
one night, in the dead of winter, it seemed I might get my chance.
It
was minutes before closing time. The door opened and in came a guy wearing a
ski mask. The mask immediately put me on high alert, but I told myself to keep cool.
It was nineteen degrees outside with a strong wind chill. A ski mask made sense.
I found myself getting adrenalized. To be honest, I also found myself hoping the
guy was strapped and had come to rip me off. Because I was ready for it. Eager.
Well,
I got my wish. Sort of. The guy was indeed there to help himself to the
contents of my cash register. He didn’t pull a gun like all the others had. He
pulled a knife. “The money,” he said.
I
looked at the knife and paused. I was so used to being robbed at gunpoint that
seeing a blade come out discombobulated me. Not sure of what to do, I
hesitated.
“Hurry,”
he said, jabbing the air.
Taking
a deep breath, I made my decision. I knew that in the eyes of the law a knife
was a deadly weapon, and that I’d be perfectly within my rights to shoot this
guy dead.
So
that’s what I did. Grabbing the .357, I pointed it at his chest and fired. The
explosion was deafening.
The robber flew back and fell to the floor, with the knife landing right beside him.
As
I came around the counter to kick it away, the door opened again.
“Bobby!”
a voice cried.
I
looked up and saw someone rushing in.
I
didn’t hesitate. I fired again and knew immediately I’d made a terrible
mistake.
Bobby
was seventeen. His brother Paul was thirteen. I’d killed them both. Just like
that.
They
found a knife in Paul’s pocket, so no charges were filed against me. It was ruled
a justifiable double homicide.
I don’t feel justified. Anything but. The incident’s always on my mind. I shuffle through each day like a zombie; not alive, not dead. It’s even worse at the store, where I sit behind the register every night, alone and unarmed, reliving that fateful encounter. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t get that little kid’s face out of my mind. Because that’s what he was. A little kid.
I don’t feel justified. Anything but. The incident’s always on my mind. I shuffle through each day like a zombie; not alive, not dead. It’s even worse at the store, where I sit behind the register every night, alone and unarmed, reliving that fateful encounter. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t get that little kid’s face out of my mind. Because that’s what he was. A little kid.
I
pray to God. Sometimes for the boys’ souls and sometimes for my own. Mostly, I
pray to God to let me go back in time and be a victim again, just for that one
night.
